February, 2010
by Denise P. Kalm, DPK Coaching and CA, Inc.
Denise Kalm has 30 years experience in IT including application programming, enterprise systems management and performance management/capacity planning at Pacific Telephone and Bank of America. She moved to vendor land in 2000, spending 5 ½ years with BMC on the EPA product line, then recently became the senior product marketing manager for enterprise job scheduling products at CA, Inc., formerly Cybermation. She is a regional officer of CMG, has held many volunteer positions within that organization and is a frequent contributing author. Prior to entering the IT profession, she was a biochemical geneticist. Her hobbies include flying, Jazzercise, writing and scuba diving. Her book, Lifestorm, on the Oakland Hills fire, is available on Amazon. She is an executive and personal coach as well, offering phone and in-person coaching.
About the Author
Denise P. Kalm, CA, Inc. formerly Cybermation
Whether you are a motor-mouth, like me, or the strong, silent type, we can all benefit from learning about the power of silence and the skillful use of pauses in the workplace. I began with the belief that silence may be golden but that conversation was platinum. In my family, conversation was a competitive sport and getting a word in was as tricky as double-dutch jump- rope. So, I took some convincing.
When I began my coaching training at JFK University, I learned about how to listen; the first rule was employing silence. In our belief that clients hold the answers to all their problems and questions, silence gives them space to discover their own wisdom. The first answers that come to mind aren't usually the right ones; the silence invites them to go deeper, while assuring the client that you have the patience, interest and desire to wait. In some cases, silence can become uncomfortable, but it is this kind of discomfort that prompts powerful insights.
Though you may never be in the "designed alliance" of a coaching relationship, silence lets people formulate their thoughts. Our impatient, hurried society has spawned a culture where people interrupt and finish each other's sentences, but how does that feel when it happens to you? Let people finish; give them your silence and your attention.
Filler words like "uh" and "um" and the strung on "ands" are the antithesis of silence, stringing together too many thoughts while not ceding the floor. Just as annoying as interruptions, the marathon sentence turns a conversation into a monologue - give the other person a chance to respond. And if you are faced with a conversation-ender like this, let them go on and keep the silence. Rather than desperately trying to get a word in, the silence will eventually be telling. In many cases, the person talking will realize on their own how they have dominated the conversation.
An interested silence lets people know you are fully engaged in what they are saying. Could anything be more flattering? It also has a way of making you look more intelligent; people will tend to assume you are sitting on a gold mine of knowledge as you listen to them. Respond too quickly and you will find the opposite can occur. Take your time, measure your words and watch how people respect and value your thoughts. This is a powerful technique both in your work day and in job interviews. Savvy managers and interviewers will often use silence as a way of seeing what you will do with the space. Don't leap in to fill the holes in the conversation. Give each question respectful consideration and time. It is very easy to say the wrong thing or too many things if you are a bit too spontaneous.
If silence goes on long enough, a well-thought-out question can also make a good impression. It isn't a staring contest. But as each person has their own definition of how many inches correspond to their personal space, everyone has their own idea of how long a silence can persist before it is uncomfortable. Push your limits and see if you can't extend that time for yourself. And make sure to keep the conversation balanced - aim to give people more than 50% of the air space. Surprisingly, when you give someone more than their share of the time, they may not know exactly what you have done, but they will like you better for it. Successful salesmen have mastered this craft; they let the customer sell themselves by limiting their words. Use this when interviewing to "close the sale."
This approach works particularly well in cultures like that in the US, where the pace is fast, and people don't respect silence as much as in other countries. It helps you stand out in a good way, but it also translates well when you work cross-culture. And keep in mind, if you are managing silence well, you rarely divulge a secret, you are better positioned to broker agreements and you will likely learn more than people who talk a great deal.
Try it the next time you engage in an important conversation. See if the results of that conversation aren't a lot better, the relationship improved and your understanding deepened. Fewer words, more power.
"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."
Josh Billings
"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech."
Martin Fraquhar Tupper
Stay tuned next month for another edition of "Your Career Coach. "