July, 2008
by Denise P. Kalm, DPK Coaching and CA, Inc.
Denise Kalm has 30 years experience in IT including application programming, enterprise systems management and performance management/capacity planning at Pacific Telephone and Bank of America. She moved to vendor land in 2000, spending 5 ½ years with BMC on the EPA product line, then recently became the senior product marketing manager for enterprise job scheduling products at CA, Inc., formerly Cybermation. She is a regional officer of CMG, has held many volunteer positions within that organization and is a frequent contributing author. Prior to entering the IT profession, she was a biochemical geneticist. Her hobbies include flying, Jazzercise, writing and scuba diving. Her book, Lifestorm, on the Oakland Hills fire, is available on Amazon. She is an executive and personal coach as well, offering phone and in-person coaching.
About the Author
Denise P. Kalm, CA, Inc. formerly Cybermation
Every morning (even on Mondays) when you first wake, you have an important choice. In those first moments, as you open your eyes, you choose what kind of day you are going to have, whether you consciously realize it or not. For many, this is a big surprise - a more common approach is to wait for fate to dictate your experience. In fact, you have a great deal of control over the kind of day you are going to have for one simple reason; our view of reality is subjective. We do not understand objective reality. Our minds manipulate the facts, so we interpret everything through a very personal lens.
And this is the secret - we choose. We can control that lens, whether we know it or not. The Ladder of Inference shows how we use our own world view and the data we have gathered, which is only a subset of the relevant data, to interpret what is happening to us.
And because our progress up the ladder involves choices along every step, we can adjust our approach. As an example, if you had a bad dream, and in your past experience, your day was invariably bad following a bad dream, you will expect (and thus, have) a bad day, regardless of the actual events that transpire.
Martin Seligman developed the concept of positive psychology. This approach involves focusing on the good things that happen in your life, rather than focusing on or trying to fix the negatives. In his practice, he challenged and changed negative thoughts and beliefs. Studies have demonstrated the efficacy of this approach, even in patients diagnosed with clinical depression.
But what about luck? Many believe that some people are just luckier than others, but in fact, this is not true. Richard Wiseman made a study of the impact of "luck" on the perception of happiness and life satisfaction. Given essentially identical opportunities and limitations, happy people distinguished themselves by noticing and taking advantage of opportunities. Those who described themselves as unlucky simply missed seeing these chances and got caught up in how they couldn't do something.
Lucky people use several approaches, all of which involve choice.
Lucky people choose to be lucky. Irving Berlin understood this. He said, "Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it."
As with most changes, this takes some effort. A coaching practice can help guide you through this transition.
Good things to note could be getting a seat on public transit on the way to work, or hitting all green lights for a few miles. Others might be the surprise of a gaudy flower in an unexpected place or seeing a bird of prey in flight. Look for everything, not just the big events. You can also create good things, such as treating yourself to lunch or coffee out with friends. Take a short walk and notice the craziness of people around you. Write a complimentary note to or for someone. Each small act or act of noticing contributes to well-being. Though on the surface, this may sound simplistic, substantial research validates this; it can transform your personal and work life. Noticing is what makes the difference - too often people just don't notice the good things that happen, how great a peach tastes, fresh from a farmer's market or how the air smells early in the morning.
An additional trick you can play on yourself works when you have a bad night filled with stressful dreams. Before you leave your bed, breathe slowly and rewrite your dreams to make them more positive. Give them the endings you want. Though it sounds crazy, it works.
What about the really awful things that happen in life? Let's look at a few examples which demonstrate how this can work even when life throws you a serious curve-ball.
When layoffs were just beginning to be a part of our vocabulary, I became aware that I was absolutely terrified of being on the list. The fear affected every part of my life, so I decided I needed to understand it. Why was I so frightened? I had savings, I was valued and I had good skills; I should be able to survive a layoff and find another job. Once I analyzed it, I realize that at the time, I was not thrilled with my job and dreaded the possibility I might have to convince another employer that I would want another job just like that. I spent some time considering what I would really like to do and made a vow - if I got laid off, I would give myself 6 months to land and try out the desired position. The impact was amazing - I secretly hoped they would lay me off so I could execute my plan. My attitude was transformed.
Many people I interviewed who experienced layoffs said it actually had been the best thing that had happened. "I really needed to get out - I just didn't have the guts to do it myself." It gave them a chance to reinvent themselves.
A patient with a terminal AIDS diagnosis was ready to die. He begged his friends to help him by gathering pills so he could end his suffering. Reluctantly, they got him what he wanted. Once he had his "kit", he discovered something amazing. Each day of life became a choice. If it got too tough, he could end it; he was in control. With that gift, he found joy in each day, eventually dying peacefully without ever employing his "kit." Everyone noticed his improved attitude - he truly enjoyed his last days.
Once you adjust your attitude and approach, you recognize opportunities that weren't visible before. You may feel you have figured out how to be lucky. Every aspect of your life can be just that much better and Mondays may no longer be the worst day of the week.
So what will you choose? What kind of life do you want to have? Try waking up each morning, choosing to have a great day. Then tell me how it worked for you. In the words of Clint Eastwood (Dirty Harry), "Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?" Make a choice...tomorrow.
Stay tuned next month for another edition of "Your Career Coach". If you would like additional information or personal coaching for your life and your career, contact me at or see my web site: www.DPKCoaching.com.